


Baby Let Me In

by dontlietomehoney



Category: Marianas Trench
Genre: Cuts, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Scars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-11
Updated: 2014-02-11
Packaged: 2018-01-12 00:06:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1179547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dontlietomehoney/pseuds/dontlietomehoney
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Matt never expected Josh to just show up like that, and he had never expected the reason for the visit either. But what Josh has to tell him is important, so Matt lets him in.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Baby Let Me In

**Author's Note:**

> Possible Triggers in this story, please read with caution if you are sensitive to cutting and mentions of self-harm.

Matt plucked lightly at the strings of the guitar in his hands. He wasn’t really any good, but it wasn’t even his guitar he held. It was Josh’s. The older boy had left it at Matt’s a few days before and hadn’t yet been back to collect it. Matt didn’t mind though. He had always wanted to teach himself how to play guitar, especially since he just played trombone. How lame was that for a high school student? Josh was so much cooler than him though, his singing so incredibly good and that was just stacked up on top of the knowledge to play not one, but nine instruments.

The guy was a fucking genius.

And Matt had loved him since the moment he sat next to him in choir.

He could never tell Josh that though. The older boy would never like him back, not when Matt had always been such a dork. Admittedly, Matt had been trying pretty hard in the last year to actually do something other than trip over his own feet. He had been getting up early every morning, forcing himself out of bed, and going out running until the sun came up. And he had been using the school gym too, even if it was pretty shitty. It was a high school gym though, what could he really expect.

But in any case, Matt had actually gained a bit of muscle mass. He wasn’t just a scrawny little kid anymore; he could actually protect himself and Josh if he needed to. He didn’t like to admit it, but Josh actually got bullied more than Matt did. The older boy was tall and lanky and awkward. But he had this thing about him, like an aura or some shit like that. Something that had always just drawn Matt in. He could feel it every time Josh smiled, every time he laughed, even though the older boy would usually cover his mouth like he thought the sound was too obnoxious.

He was perfect.

But the rest of the school didn’t seem to agree. And it probably didn’t help that Josh was always hanging out with a sophomore. Matt was always there for him though. They were there for each other. And Matt didn’t really mind that Josh didn’t love him back, ‘cause at least he got to be the right hand man to the guy he wanted. It was better to simply be near him than to not have him at all. So Matt took his pleasures where he could, and playing Josh’s guitar was one of them.

So Matt was sitting back on his bed, his feet dangling off the edge, and he had Josh’s guitar propped up on his hip. His back was pressed to the wall, and he let his head fall back too as he just lightly ran his fingers over the strings of the guitar. He wasn’t even playing a tune, but it still sounded nice. It went really well with the storm that was pounding on outside. Rain had been pelting his window for hours, and the sound had made Matt smile. He had always liked the rain. And having a chance to just relax and strum at Josh’s guitar made it even better. It made him feel a little closer to the older boy, even if feeling that also made him feel like a total creep.

He had just let his eyes fall shut as he strummed at the strings again, when Matt heard a light tap against his window. For a second he just let it go, thinking it had been the storm, but then the light tap turned into a loud knock. Matt’s eyes flew open at the sudden sound and a shout tore from his throat. There was someone outside his window.

“-et me –n!”

Matt frowned, setting the guitar down on his bed even as his heart still raced. He recognized that voice. And it came again.

“Matt! C-me on dude! It- fucki- pouring out he-!”

The boy scrambled across his room, tripping over things as he went, and ripped the window open. Rain pelted against his face, wetting his hair as he leaned out a bit. It was cold as hell, and just as windy too. But he was face to face with his visitor.

Josh.

“What are you doing here?” Matt asked, his voice rising slightly to be heard over the storm.

Josh just pushed him back into his room, crawling in after him so they would both be out of the cold. Matt let him, a bit dumbstruck that Josh would just show up like this. Not that the older boy hadn’t just dropped by a lot since they had become friends, but he had never done it during a fucking rain storm. And he had certainly never done it at such a late hour. Matt even checked the clock. It was already two in the morning.

“Josh?” Matt asked after closing the door.

Matt turned to look at the older boy and was shocked for a few reasons. First off, Josh’s hair wasn’t his natural brown anymore. The boy’s hair, though wet, was an obvious black now, and when Josh turned to look at him, Matt could see a flash of blue in it too. Secondly, Josh was absolutely soaked. And the poor guy was shivering nonstop.

“Hm?” Josh finally responded.

The younger boy stayed silent for a long moment, until he realized Josh was dripping onto his carpet. There was literally a puddle under the taller boy’s feet.

“Damn,” Matt murmured quickly as he moved forward.

Josh’s eyes widened as Matt advanced towards him. The younger boy just slipped his hand into Josh’s though, and tugged until the older boy was stumbling along behind him. Matt couldn’t help but notice how the older boy’s hand felt like ice, or the way Josh’s teeth were chattering together. He led the older boy to the bathroom right across the hall and flipped the light on, pulling Josh in behind him before pushing him towards the bathtub.

“Strip down, man,” he told the older boy.

“What?” Josh’s eyes got even wider than before.

But Matt was already moving away again. “Take your damn clothes off man,” he threw over his shoulder. “I’ll get you a new shirt and some pants, but your clothes are soaked dude.”

Josh just stood there shivering and not really sure if he should do what Matt asked or not. He had secrets under his clothes, and he had never once considered that Matt would tell him to get undressed. The younger boy was already gone though, surely rummaging through his clothes to try and find something that might actually fit Josh’s long limbs.

When he returned, Josh hadn’t moved a muscle, and Matt stopped. “Uh…are you okay Josh?” The older boy sucked in a breath, but didn’t answer, so Matt moved forward slowly, setting the bundle of clothes he had gotten onto the bathroom counter. “Josh?” he tried again.

“Matt,” the older boy finally said. His eyes were fixed on the younger boy, taking in the wary shine of his eyes, and feeling guilty. Josh could tell Matt was starting to get freaked out, and he couldn’t blame the kid. He had shown up out of nowhere in the dead of night and in the middle of a storm for fuck’s sake. And Josh was acting like such a freak. He moved then, letting his arms drop to his sides after having kept them protectively around his torso for so long. “I’m sorry Matt,” he whispered.

“Just tell me what’s going on man,” Matt spoke quietly. “Why were you out there? Did something happen?”

Josh shook his head for a moment before rethinking and nodding. He knew he was being confusing, but hell, he was confused too. He didn’t know why he had just walked more than a mile in the rain to only wind up at Matt’s windowsill. He didn’t know why he had climbed through that window, and he didn’t even know why he was standing in Matt’s bathroom right then other than the fact that Matt was his only friend.

That and the fact that Josh had finally hit his breaking point.

“Josh?” Matt asked yet again.

“I needed to talk to someone,” Josh finally answered. He lifted his eyes again too, looking into Matt’s big brown ones, and feeling lost all over again. “I needed to talk to someone, and I wanted that someone to be you.”

Matt nodded a bit. “Okay… We can talk man. Of course we can. But you gotta get changed dude. Your lips are blue.”

Josh lifted a hand to touch his mouth, finding that his lips felt a bit numb, and then realized that his hands were shaking too. Just like the rest of him. And he nodded.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

Josh nodded. “Y-yeah…just, uh, can I do it myself?”

Matt’s eyes widened that time. “Right! Yes, sorry, of course. I’ll just, uh, yeah. Sorry.”

The younger boy winced, feeling stupid for thinking Josh would want him to help with getting changed. Walking backwards, he quickly left the bathroom and shut the door to give Josh some privacy.

“Oh Josh! I forgot, um, to tell you. Towels are under the sink!” He smacked his forehead, hating himself more and more as words kept leaving his mouth. Josh already knew where the towels were. Matt just couldn’t stop making a fool of himself.

There was a long beat of silence, until finally Matt heard a soft ‘thank you’ come through the door. He nodded even though Josh couldn’t see it and back tracked quickly to his room. He flopped down onto the bed to wait, pushing Josh’s guitar to the back corner next to his pillows without even thinking. But before he could really do much else, he heard the bathroom door open and jumped to his feet.

Josh came shuffling in, the sweats Matt gave him hanging off his hips loosely, and the shirt riding up by a few inches as Josh ran a towel through his hair. Matt gulped loudly as he took in that pale skin which was exposed on Josh’s lower belly. It was flat and smooth and pale and lovely. And Matt wanted to run his lips across it from hip to hip.

“No,” he told himself firmly out loud. He shouldn’t be having those thoughts, especially not right then, when he was going to try and figure out if something was wrong.

Josh froze though. “N-no?”

Matt’s eyes widened. “Not you! Fuck, sorry! I was talking to myself ‘cause…’cause of things and I didn’t want …and…I’m sorry.”

The older boy seemed to relax a bit, a small smile tugging just lightly at his lips. “What’s the matter Webb?”

Matt groaned exaggeratedly, and flopped down on the bed again with his arms thrown over his face. “I don’t know!” he mumbled through his arms.

There was another long silence, but Matt could hear soft shuffling on his carpet coming closer, until finally he felt the bed dip lightly beside him. He sighed heavily and let his arms drop away. Josh was right there, right beside him, and Matt could still practically feel the waves of cold coming off him. Without speaking, the younger boy got up again and pulled a blanket from his closet to wrap around Josh’s shoulders before lying back on the bed like he had before.

And then he looked up and found Josh’s eyes on him, steely blue cutting into him. Matt smiled though, nervously at first until Josh smiled too.

“So what are you doing here man?” he asked quietly. His voice was almost a whisper. “What did you want to talk about?”

Josh’s cheeks actually managed to flush, and he tucked his head down close to his chest as he pulled the blanket tighter around him.

“Josh?”

“You,” the boy finally answered.

“Me?”

“Yeah.”

“What about me?” Matt asked.

Josh played with the edge of the blanket at he spoke. “I wanted to tell you something.”

“Was it telling me why you dyed your hair? ‘Cause damn dude, when did that become a thing?”

The older boy laughed lightly, but shot his hand out to smack Matt across the stomach. The younger boy feigned hurt, and Josh smiled more for it. He appreciated what Matt was trying to do. Matt always seemed to know when Josh was feeling too tense, too upset, too everything. And Josh always appreciated it when the younger boy would try to ease it, even if it was with bad humour. Josh sobered though.

“No dude,” he murmured. “It’s…more.”

Matt stopped laughing too, his face going serious, and he pushed up to lean on his elbows. Josh tried to ignore the way that movement made Matt’s shirt go tight over his stomach. “Talk to me then man. What’s up? What’s going on inside that head of yours?”

Josh swallowed thickly. “It’s not…easy,” he started.

“Okay…”

The older boy hugged the blanket even closer, trying to discreetly tuck his nose in closer to catch the way it smelled just like Matt. He cleared his throat. “I’ve uh…done some things…”

“Okay,” the younger boy repeated. “What things?”

“Bad things,” Josh whispered.

Matt pushed up again, lifting up onto his hands so he could look at Josh face to face. “Tell me.”

Josh just bit his lip, fear making his heart race. He didn’t have to tell. Didn’t need to. But he wanted to. “Why do I trust you so much?” he blurted.

“’Cause I’m your best friend,” Matt responded instantly.

The older boy smiled. “That too,” he murmured. But then he continued. “I’ve been thinking about this a lot, telling you. A lot, dude, like every fucking night, so…just don’t…don’t freak out okay?”

“I won’t,” Matt hummed.

Josh nodded, shutting his eyes tight for a long minute while he just breathed. He wanted to do this, to somehow make Matt understand why he had been pulling away lately, to somehow make Matt understand why he needed it. He just hoped Matt really would. He had never told anyone else, and he didn’t plan to either, but…Matt was different. Matt was his. And he didn’t like keeping Matt in the dark. Not when the younger boy deserved nothing but light.

When he finally opened his eyes, Matt was watching him closely, concern clear in his eyes, and Josh shuffled closer. “Um…” he didn’t know how to start.

Matt just nodded though, scooting back on the bed. Josh watched silently as the younger boy plucked something off the bed, and fuck he shouldn’t have missed that there, his own damn guitar sitting on the bed. But Josh stayed quiet until Matt had set the instrument across the room and come back to lie down on the bed again. Only this time, the younger boy crawled under the covers and pushed himself back against the wall. And then he was lifting the blankets up again and waving his hand for Josh to get under with him.

The older boy blushed, but went to slide under the covers anyways. He still had the second blanket around him, but the moment he was settled in beside Matt, the younger boy was working his way under that too so he could wrap his arms around Josh as close as he could. Josh was surprised as hell, their friendship having never been this close before, but he didn’t mind it at all. Hell, he had wanted this for long enough, and he knew Matt did too. He could see it in those puppy dog eyes when Matt looked at him. But Josh had never really let himself believe it until that moment.

And he felt surrounded in warmth now.

Matt tangled their legs together and smiled softly at the older boy in his arms. “Better?”

“Mhm,” was all Josh could muster.

“So talk to me Josh,” Matt murmured. “What’s bothering you?”

Josh closed his eyes again, ducking his head in under Matt’s chin despite being the older and taller one, and hid against the crook of Matt’s neck. “I…I’ve done some things.”

“Right,” Matt hummed. “What things Josh. Just tell me okay? Like a bandaid? Rip it off all at once and it won’t hurt as long.”

The older boy scoffed slightly at that, but couldn’t help but admit it might be the best way to go. He just… couldn’t get the words out. So instead, he lifted a hand to touch Matt’s arm. “Give me your hand,” he softly requested.

Matt obliged, unwrapping his one arm from around Josh’s shoulders to offer his hand to the older boy. Josh took it, feeling the wonderful warmth it offered before taking a deep breath and pulling it down between their bodies. Matt let out a sound of shock, but Josh ignored him, his mind nowhere near his dick though he did push their joined hands down under the waistband of the sweats he wore. He moved their hands more to the side, much farther down, and Matt made a sound of confusion. But Josh knew what he was doing, knew exactly where every mark was. He had memorized it, and knew exactly when Matt’s fingers brushed over the raised skin, the ridges that lined his thighs damn near from top to bottom.

And he felt it when the younger boy’s fingers dug in a little harder at the realization.

“I’ve done some things,” Josh repeated yet again. “Bad things. And…I don’t want to stop…but I wanted you to know.”

Matt was completely still, his chest not even rising or falling with breath, and Josh waited. He waited even when tears pricked the edges of his eyes, and he waited until those tears leaked down one side of his face. Matt’s fingers were still pressed to his thigh, feeling the old and the new, the open and the closed wounds, and Matt still hadn’t said a word.

“Matt please,” Josh finally whispered. Begged.

And the younger boy blinked. “Why?”

“Why?” Josh practically squeaked.

“Why do you do it? Why did you want to tell me? Why did you think I would just allow you to keep doing it without trying to help you stop?”

“Oh…” Josh mumbled. “That why.”

“Oh,” Matt mimicked.

“I…it makes me feel better,” Josh started.

“How?”

Josh shook his head then, more tears leaking out as he stared up at the boy lying beside him. Neither boy had moved, their joined hands still pressed down into Josh’s sweats, their chests still pushed together. And Josh could feel Matt’s fast heartbeat where he had his fingers wrapped around the younger boy’s wrist. It was racing, but Matt was so still.

“It…it makes me feel happy…somehow. Like I’m not so empty anymore…”

“Empty,” Matt murmured.

“Yeah,” Josh sniffled around a weak smile, feeling the sharp edges of his nerves. “I don’t- I don’t know how to describe it better really… Sometimes I just feel so empty, like there’s nothing here for me…nothing but you. And I don’t want to put that on you Matt. I don’t ever want to push my problems on you like that. But I… I felt like you had to know or…”

“Or what?”

“I felt like I had to tell you, or I would lose you,” Josh whispered. His chest was so tight, and his lip felt raw from how long he had been chewing on it. But he didn’t want to move, not yet.

Matt did though, pulling his hand away from where Josh held it, and the older boy expected the worst. He expected to be hit, slapped, or punched. Maybe even shoved out of Matt’s bed, or worse, his life. That was maybe one of Josh’s biggest fears, having Matt walk away from him forever. But the younger boy didn’t hit him, didn’t push him away. Instead, he pulled him closer. His hand cupped the back of Josh’s head, his fingers carding into Josh’s dark hair, and tightening into a fist that didn’t quite hurt but made Josh feel stable for the first time since all of this started.

“You will never lose me,” he hummed deep in his throat.

Josh’s eyes widened at that statement, that vow. “Matty…”

“Josh,” Matt sighed. “Don’t ‘Matty’ me. Especially when you know how much I hate nicknames.”

The older boy let out a quick little chuckle at that, his emotions running wild as all his worries bubbled to the surface.

“Don’t ‘Matty’ me when I’m being completely serious. You will never lose me. I’m freaking out on the inside, screaming at myself for never noticing, for never saying anything…but damn it Josh, I would never walk away from you. Ever. And certainly not after something like this.”

“Why not?”

“Because,” Matt murmured.

“Because why?” Josh urged.

Matt tugged Josh just a little closer, the tips of their noses brushing together, and Josh could feel the warmth of their breath on each other’s lips. This was the closest they had ever been, and Josh was feeling a little lightheaded.

“Because I love you,” Matt finally answered.

Josh could feel another line of tears track down the side of his face. The liquid seeped into the hollow of his ear, but Josh didn’t care. He let out a breathless little laugh and pushed his body a little closer to Matt’s.

“I know,” he whispered wetly.

“You know?” Matt asked.

Josh shrugged, “Well I know now for sure…and…I love you too Matt.”

The younger boy smiled softly, but still didn’t move. “Then you should also know now that I’m not going to just sit by. I’m going to try to help you get better.”

“I don’t want to get better though,” Josh murmured.

Matt frowned, and without another word, closed the final gap between them. Josh sucked in a gasp as he felt the younger boy’s lips slide against his own, and breathed it back out on a sigh and whimper. Matt’s hold on Josh’s hair tightened after a long moment of their mouths moving, lips pressing together, and pulled Josh’s head back. The older boy, whined again, but didn’t fight Matt’s hold on him.

“I’ll still be here for you Josh, always,” Matt finally breathed. “You just have to let me in.”

The older boy stared up at the younger, shocked at what he was finding there. Since when had Matt become so strong like this? Not only with the way his arms wrapped around Josh and held him tight, but since when did the little awkward boy become this support beam. He was holding Josh up in so many ways, and he was only offering so much more. Josh hated that he wasn’t even asking for it, didn’t want it, but Matt’s offer alone was making him reconsider.

“O-okay,” he squeaked. Damn. He really needed to work on that. He was older after all, but Matt’s voice was still lower.

“Okay?” The younger boy asked.

Josh nodded slightly. “I already let you in,” he whispered. “I don’t want to keep you out again. I just… I just can’t guarantee anything. Like at all. I really don’t think I’ll get better, I don’t even want to try, or even think I deserve it…but…”

“But what Josh?”

The older boy swallowed thickly. “But…for you…I’ll do what I can.”

“That’s all I need,” Matt murmured.

Josh nodded again. “Okay then.”

“Okay,” Matt responded.

And then he was moving forward again, still hesitant, but sealed their lips together for the second time. Josh melted against him, his hands flat against the younger boy’s chest which had somehow become broader than his own, thicker with muscle that wasn’t so wiry anymore, and pushed against him for more. Matt sighed softly, curling and uncurling his fingers then in Josh’s hair, loving the silky feel of the strands between them. But he pulled back. He had never done something like this, never kissed someone or even held them as close as he had Josh. But the older boy seemed to want it just as much as he did.

“I love you,” Matt murmured.

And it felt so good to let those words slip passed his lips again. To have let them slip at all had nearly made his heart stop. He had never thought Josh would love him back, but then again, he had never thought this night would have happened at all. Not Josh showing up at his window, not the older boy climbing into his bed, and certainly not Josh admitting to something like he had.

It still made the younger boy’s stomach clench, thinking about the raised skin of Josh’s thigh, the cuts and tears that had marred his skin. But Josh was still so damn perfect. Beautiful. And no cuts were going to change that. Cuts were on the surface. It was what Josh offered from his heart that mattered, and the older boy had never offered anything less than kindness. Even when he was drunk or high or out of his mind like Matt knew he could be, Josh would always wind up tucked into Matt’s side. And now Matt had him even closer. He wouldn’t let him slip away.

“I love you too,” Josh whispered around a shy smile and a sniffle.

Matt smiled and tugged Josh closer yet again, this time though to simply tuck the older boy’s head against his shoulder. “Let’s sleep, yeah? It’s probably nearly three or four, and you must be exhausted.”

Josh answered with a wide yawn that sounded with a loud crack. “Now that you mention it…”

Matt laughed softly, holding Josh tighter. “Sleep then. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

Josh hummed contentedly, snuffling a bit before going limp against Matt’s chest. It actually impressed the younger boy how fast Josh had fallen asleep. But he didn’t mind it either, as it finally gave him a chance to let his own tears wet his face. He had been so shocked before, so damn stunned, that he had been able to keep them in out of sheer surprise. But even as he listened to the rain hit the window, a sound which would usually calm him, Matt let himself break down a little.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me before?” he whispered softly.

Sniffling, he settled a bit more comfortably on the bed too, and let the wetness from his eyes track down his temples as Josh spread out on his chest. This was just the beginning, but at least it hadn’t been an entirely stormy start.

At least with that thought, Matt was able to calm down a little, his breathing slowing and the tears coming less frequently. It helped too, to have the weight of Josh on him. Just knowing that Josh wasn’t gone, that he wasn’t completely out of Matt’s grasp, made him feel like there was still a chance. A chance to make things better.

The younger boy leaned down just enough to brush his lips against the top of Josh’s hair, and with the slight remaining scent of chemicals from the hair dye tickling his nose, Matt felt a little more grounded.

“I love you,” he murmured one last time before closing his own eyes and letting himself slip into sleep. He would keep his promise to Josh; he would be there in the morning. And he knew Josh would be too.


End file.
